"There's just no way that can be true. Ya see, Deryck, don't lie on me - we all know I hook up with dudes." - Benji, after Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 talked in Revolver about how he and Benji hook up with the same girls.

Benji: "If I walk into any place on the street, I can get a job."
Joel: "Oh, he's good. He's good."

Benji: (while reading a post) "Well...let's see..."
Joel: "Lose your place?"

Benji: "All Things Rock..."
Joel: "Will be right back. (pauses) You're stupid."

*Benji grabs a cowboy hat and throws it on Joel's head*
Benji: "I found Joel's hat!" (both start laughing)

*Benji plays with a pink dress while Joel's not looking and tosses it behind his back*
Joel: "Benj, what were you doing?"
Benji: "Um, nothing."

"I'm just shopping for skirts." - Benji

Benji: "Movin' on up, movin' on up."
Joel: "Don't sing. Please."

Joel: "We're here at Love Saves the Day in New York City, it's a famous toy store here in New York City, that I always come to because they have lots of old toys like He-Man, and all the stuff I used to play with when I was a child..."
Benji: "Oh, that's not all you used to play with."

Joel: "I went to youth camp when I was seven, and it was horrible."
Benji: "The worst experience of my life."
Joel: "I called my Mom, I was crying, I wanted to come home, and she didn't come get me, and it was traumatizing. This kid in the bunk above me pissed in his bunk, and...it was just bad."
Benji: "Yeah, it was not good."

"The best of Chris Farley Saturday Night Live DVD is probably the most watched DVD on the bus. Besides Joel's Taibo. Billy Blanks." - Benji

Benji: "Joel has to rub it in that I was a dork in high school."
Joel: "Let's play the video. Benj in all his glory."
Benji: "I should hit you in front of all these kids."
Joel: "Benj in all his glory."
Benji: "Shouldn't I?"

"I know what our band's problem is. (points to Benji and mouths the word 'him!')" - Joel

"Send the Joel below, I mean Send the Pain Below. Chevelle." - Benji

"Another dimension of All Things Rock and I found Joel's boyfriend." (holds up a shirtless action figure) - Benji

Joel: "I have to give a shout-out to those companies 'cause they gave me stuff for my car. So that's really cool."
Benji: "Sellout."
Joel: "Shut up."

Benji: "Well, you guys got nothing on me, man. One time I was rockin' balls and my Mom walked in and caught me (laughs)
Joel: "Now that's a great story, Benj." (on The All American Rejects)

"And, uh, if we sound like uneducated fools, it's because we are." - Benji

"And Joel will still be wearing his little hobo gloves." - Benji

Benji: "The show is full of de-butts."
Joel: "Debuts."
Benji: "Read that wrong."

Joel: "You know what I think punk rock needs more of?"
Benji: "What?"
Joel: "Homeless person gloves."
Benji: "Bumfights, if you will."

"I thought YMCA was about, uh, about man-boy love, and it turned out to just be about a popular place for kids to hang out. Ruined it for me." - Benji

"Don't cry, Benj. When you cry, your makeup runs and you get those streaks." - Joel

Benji: "If you ask Linkin Park if we're friends, they'll say yes."
Joel: "I don't think so, Benj."

Joel: "This is the final video that we're gonna play tonight."
Benji: "And Disturbed hates us and they wanna kill us."
Joel: "Yes, that's true, but uh..."
Benji: "'Cause supposedly I made fun of them on one of the shows and...I wasn't making fun of them! I was just...I thought the 'wha-ah-ah-ah' thing was kinda funny, dude, you know."
Joel: "We didn't even play a Disturbed video tonight, why are you talking about them?"
Benji: "I was just thinking about it."
Joel: "Okay."
Benji: "'Cause I saw a Disturbed shirt earlier."
Joel: "Anyways, we're gonna play the last video on our show..."
Benji: "Isn't there enough war in the world, man?"
Joel: "Shut up."
Benji: "Alright."

Joel: "Do you always have to make fun of me?"
Benji: "Yes."

Benji: "I like Hurley stuff I actually wear it all the time."
Joel: "They have good boxers."
Benji: "If you win, you get to be on the line with him (Steve-O from Sum 41) while he prank calls one of your friends. He's really good, they promise...and uh, I can actually vouch for that, he is really good...one time me and him prank called Joel and he pretended like he was a girl and Joel got all excited 'cause girls never call him and uh, it was really funny."
Joel: "That was you guys?"
Benji: "Yeah. Alright, here's Sum 41 - Hell Song."
Joel: "But we had phone sex."

Benji (reading post): "All Things Rock Countdown would rock, but they play all crappy bands like Good Charlotte, and New Found Glory, and the Used. All those bands suck. It's a rock show, not a crap show. Come on, play some rock."
Joel: "Hey! Let me just say something. The Used and New Found Glory are not crappy bands."
Benji: "That's right! What are you talking about? You don't even know what you're talking about."
Joel: "Get off your Mom's computer."

"I think sometimes Grammys are fixed (coughs) John Mayer." - Benji

Joel: "A lot of grown men come up to me and say that my songs have helped them through hard times."
Benji: "A lot of grown men come up to me and say that they like my boyish...figure. Weird. It's weird."
Joel: "No they don't."

Benji: "I feel myself getting hipper as we speak."
Joel: "Good for you."
Benji: "My jeans are getting tighter, my clothes are starting to have holes in them."
Joel: "Hair's getting longer."
Benji: "My hair's getting longer, and I smoke and have acne."
Joel: "There ya go."

"Go Bert! It's your birthday!" - Joel (on Bert from The Used)

Benji and Joel: "Seven albums lat---"
Joel: "I hate it when we do that."
Benji: "Damn! We always say the same thing at the same time."
Joel: "It's so embarassing. Really embarassing."
Benji: "Oh look, they're twins, they say the same thing!"

"Sorta like our band - when we started we didn't know how to play our instruments, and we still don't know how to play our instruments!" - Joel

*"This video was shot in an old theatre... That's where Joel lives, in a dirty old theatre... 'Get outta here kids!'" - Benji

*Post: Dear Benji and Joel, you guys are always fighting and I think since you're brothers, you guys should hug just once.
Joel: No. Sorry, no.
Benji: Yeah. Joel has this thing where he doesn't touch people and he washes his hands a lot.

*Benji: I personally don't find it hard being married and being on tour.
Joel: You're not married.
Benji: Oh... Right.
Joel: ...And you never will be!

*Benji (reading post): 'Do you guys read actual posts or do the writers give you something?' ...Do you think that we're puppets? I don't make this stuff. Some kids wrote these things on the message boards.
Joel: This show can't afford writers.
Benji: Do you think I write these? Here, listen. 'Benji is hot.' 'Benji is god.' 'ATR rocks.' 'Benji is cool.' I don't think I write these. We are not puppets!
Joel: No more posts for you. (snatches posts from Benji)

*"This next video is Blink 182's 'First Date'... Joel's still yet to have one." - Benji

*"This next video reminds me of my brother Joel... He used to walk around the house all the time... Always rockin' the short shorts." - Benji

*Benji: And then...
Joel: No 'and then'!
Benji: And then...
Joel: NO 'AND THEN'!

*Benji: Joel fell off the stage. He tripped.
Joel: ...This is the new vid--
Benji: It's his new most embarrassing moment ever.
Joel: Shut up... No, you are my most embarrassing moment ever.

*"Rock out like dudes. Like Kittie. They rock out like dudes." - Joel

*Joel (reading post): This post comes from GCChick20.
Benji: Joel's old screen name!

*Benji (after Joel reads a post): Anything on there about how much we suck??
Joel: No... No, it's actually a real post from someone that actually likes us!

*Benji: This is All Things Rock, I'm Benji. This is Joel and, um, this is my show and, uh, Joel's hangin' out... and, uh... It's nice to have you here, Joel! (pats Joel's shoulder)
Joel: Thanks!

*Joel: Later.
Benji: Aren't you gonna say 'peace'??
Joel: Peace.

*Benji (reading post): Some nice person decided to post a little poll on who should get fired, me or Joel. A little contest of something.
Joel: This should be funny.
Benji: Yeah... Well, 1% says that Joel should get fired...
Joel: Ha ha ha...
Benji: 1% says that I should get fired. That's 2%. The other 98% of people say that we should both get fired, that we suck, we don't know what we're doing, we don't belong on MTV, we're no good... We look bad...
Joel: OK, OK!!

*"This is my show. I'm Benji, this is my little helper, Joel." - Benji

*Benji: Joel likes legos.
Joel: (nods his head and smiles)

*"Silence TRL crowd!" - Joel

*"Tom Cruise is dreamy." - Joel

*Joel: My name is Joel. This is Benji, my brother.
Benji: I hate you.

*"I'm gonna read it, but if I mess up, this is just a practice time." - Benji

*Joel: And the Hives are from Australia.
Benji: Dude, they're from Sweden.

*Joel (referring to Jimmy Eat World): I hope they play at my wedding.
Benji: They won't Joel, you'll never get married.

Benji: "I'm Benji, this is my brother Joel, and you're watching my show." (starts reading post)
Joel: "Why don't you just go ahead and read this since you're running things right now...since you don't do anything else."
Benji: "Thank you, my brother, for finally recognizing."

Joel: "And we'll have a video from--"
Benji: "Bu--"
Joel: "Ummmm we'll have Billy--"
Benji: "Bu--"
Joel: "And Paul on the show tonight, and--"
Benji: "Bu--"
Joel: "Dude, stop doing that, I'm trying to talk about--"
Benji: "Bu--"
Joel: (makes fist and shakes it in Benji's face) "Ssssshhhhh!"

Benji: "Look at this post I found: 'Benji has good hair. Cool pants. Benji is greattt. Benji is beautiful.' Look, I have my own adjective!"

Joel: "Okay, and for the next video..."
Benji: (still rambling) "I'm going to relish in all my Benjiness..."

"I- oh no, one of my spikes is falling - hair people, I need gel pronto!" - Benji

Benji: "I like rockstardom. You can have girls flash you for free and have girls actually want to make out with you. But then again, some guys want to make out with Joel."
Joel: "Yea.. I am the man's man. Benji, you're the llama's man."
Benji: "Maybe so, but I get more action than you do."
Joel: "Actually you don't, because as far as I will tell anyone, we are both still virgins and probably will be until our twelve-year-old fans become 18 and meet us when we are like 29."
Benji: "Hey girls, in six years I will be free so come propose anytime so I can lose my big V."
Joel: "Uhh.. I think they'd be more experienced than you."
Benji: "I doubt it. I have a blow up doll and you."
Joel: "Dude.. that was wrong."
Benji: "But so VERY true." (fake laughs)
Joel: "Uhh.. no."
(both continue to argue and keep saying yes no yes no yes no)

Benji: Ok, the first video of the night is - uhh, the box is falling! (the little box that says MTV slid down and mic and Benji slid it up and down) Well would you look at that?!

*Joel gives him a weird look*

Benji: Aha ha uhh (waves into camera)… Hi mom!

Benji: I’m Joel. Really. I’m Joel.