Benji: "They say they get each other psyched up for a show by making fun of each other."
Joel: "That's what we do everyday when we're live, we make fun of each other."
Benji: "You have big ears."
Joel: "But he's not psyching me up for anything, I just get annoyed."
Benji: "How 'bout that funny face you have?"
Joel: "It's good to be able to support our friends like Thursday and play their video--"
Benji: "Joel - one of Joel's shoulders is bigger than the other."

Joel: "I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, either go all the way or don't go at all. Don't just get one-"
Benji: "Like you?"
Joel: "I'm working on it, man."

"This is kinda awkward, huh? Me and you guys? 'Cause Benji usually is the one that's talking the most - he has the bigger ego, bigger mouth - but uh, I kinda like this, it's kinda cool. I should probably talk about anything I want, huh? (silence) Well, that's it." - Joel, after Benji "quit the show"

Joel: "He did say, 'hi Benji,' so..."
Benji: "That's right. And he gave me his number this time!" (on Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park)

Benji: "Here's 'Three Days Grace, I Hate Everything About You.'"
Joel: "They wrote it about me."
Benji: "Yes."
Joel: "'Cause I broke the singer's heart, we were dating for a minute there."

Joel: "The very threatening, ever-so-tough band, Good Charlotte."
Benji: "Straight-up thugs from Waldorf, Maryland."

Benji: "You're a worm of the earth."
Joel: "You're a, um..."
Benji: "Alright. 'You slimebucket!' Joel used to always say that." (shakes fist at the camera, mocking Joel)

Joel: "Before we play it Benj is gonna say some more dumb jokes."
Benji: "Joel pooped his diaper today."

Joel: "Hey, we're wrapping things up here--"
Benji: "What's that mean, is that a sex reference?"
Joel: "No."
Benji: "Are you doing that again?"
Joel: "No, it's--we're at the end of the show."

Benji: "And the bassist Peanut - that actually used to be my nickname in uh, grade school-"
Joel: (starts cracking up)
Benji: "They called me 'little peanut.' Little Petey Peanut! Uh, 'cause I always ran around with my little peanuts all over the place."
Joel: (still laughing)

"We kept Joel in the closet for seven years! (laughs) We just let him out." - Benji

Benji: "Chris Care-a-bear-a"
Joel: "Carrabba."
Benji: "Care-a-bear-a"
Joel: "Carrabba, bitch."
Benji: "I call him Chris Care-a-bear-a, he's a care bear, he cares."

Benji: "I say that would make you half man."
Joel: "Why would you wanna be half a man?"
Benji: "Why would you wanna be half man?"
Joel "Half one ball?" *both start laughing*

"Girls take poo-poos, too, you know" - Joel

Benji: "Linkin Park...more like stinkin' park!"
Joel: "More like..."
Benji: "More like stinky fart. (both laugh) How do you like that, Linkin Park?"
Joel: "How 'bout winkin smart?"
Benji: "Alright, you're killin' it."
Joel: "Right."
Benji: "Now uh, coming up, speaking of stinky farts, Amy Lee from Evanescence..."
Joel: *starts cracking up*

Benji: "My favorite place to come buy black punk rock t-shirts."
Joel: "Cause you are punk rock."
Benji: "I am. I am a God. Okay?"

Benji: "Jaded, I love this song."
Joel: "You're in this song."
Benji: "Oh yeah. I am."
Joel: "That's why you love it."

Joel: "Now you know his name, so you can introduce yourself, say hi."
Benji: "Hi Zack Davidson, I'm...little Timmy O'Toole! Zack Davidson, hmm… sounds like the name of the kid next door.”

Joel: “Mom! Can I go over to Zack Davidson’ house?”

Benji: “Mom! Can Zack Davidson come over?”

Joel: Zack Davidson’s on my T-ball team.”

Benji: “He’s on my soccer team.”

Joel: “Benji Madden and Zack Davidson forever.”

Joel: "I'm very vital. I'm excited about the future. I remember the old days."
Benji: "You don't remember the old days."
Joel: "Yeah I do."
Benji: "Dude, you were born when those guys were in bands still."
Joel: "Kay, well...a 'hi' would have been nice, Perry." - on Jane's Addiction

Benji: "We thought we were the biggest band in the world."
Joel: "Guess we found out we were wrong."

Benji: “ Billy turned me onto Cold.”
Joel: "Turned you on?"
Benji: "Billy turned me on, there you go, I just filled my ditty with something else.”

Joel: "I like Linkin Park, by the way. I enjoy that, that band."
Benji: "Nobody cares, Joel."

"We would never do anything dishonest. Never...ever...ever......do anything dishonest." - Benji, as he shoves a cd in his pants and Joel shoves a record up his shirt.

Benji: "But the stunt double hurt herself on the first take, so they hired Joel. That's actually Joel in that dress, falling. Uh, just kidding, actually. Amy Lee had to do all the falling herself."
Joel: "I personally think I'd look better in that dress, though."

Benji: "I wanted to play three more videos, but Joel's tired, he wants to go to bed."
Joel: "I'm tired. I wanna go to sleep."

Joel: "Why do you always make fun of me? Even in the beginning of the show?"
Benji: "It's fun. Kids like it. It's goin' over big with the kids."

Benji: "Well said, man."
Joel: "Sophisticated! You must eat sushi a lot, Josh." - on Josh from Queens of the Stone Age

Benji: "Josh Homme called things out like, 'This one's for all the fat chicks, I see a lot of you out there.' That's what Josh said."
Joel: "Well, that's just insensitive."
Benji: "Yeah, Josh. Come on, buddy."
Joel: "That's just downright wrong, man."
Benji: "Josh, we need to go out and have some coffee sometime and talk about your attitude, buddy. Okay?"
Joel: "Anger problems."

Benji: (in funny voice) "I'm the singer in a pop-punk band. Look at me!"
Joel: You are the singer in a pop-punk band, you just made fun of yourself."

"Who can hate on a little puppy?" - Joel

Joel: "I know when my life's not goin' so swell I uh, I like to stab Bibles and hang Barbie dolls, too."
Benji: "No you don't."
Joel: "Sounds evil though, huh?"
Benji: "Yeah."

Joel: "So now it's time for probably my favorite part of the whole show, especially tonight 'cause I get to play a video for you guys..."
Benji: "Storytime?"
Joel: "That uh- no, not storytime. Shut up.

Benji: "Who invited you, Joel? Who invited you?"
Joel: "I dunno."
Benji: "The Donnas, 'Who Invited You.' "
Joel: "Why does everyone always ask me that?"

Benji: "You know how we feel about Marilyn Manson, but the question is, how does Marilyn Manson feel about us? If it's anything like high school, everyone I liked in high school thought I was a loser. So I'm, really, I'm thinking, uh, my, my uh, I'm swaying towards loser, but uh..."
Joel: "I'm swaying towards loser, too."

Joel: "I like Meg, she's my idol - I wanna grow my hair long and learn to play the drums."
Benji: "Shut up! Why do you-"
Joel: "Alright, here's number three..."
Benji: "Why do you always make fun of The White Stripes?"
Joel: "The number three video...'cause it's funny, it's fun."
Benji: "I like The White Stripes."

"I didn't know that I was one of his idols. I mean...Jack, I...should've told me, we could have had something, I mean..." - Benji, on Jack from the White Stripes

Joel: " 'Would you like cream with that, sir?' That's his line."
Benji: "No, Joel. He's got a substantial role. That was your line, okay? 'Would you like cream with that?' "
Joel: (laughs)
Benji: "Idiot."
Joel: "Shut up."

Benji: "It makes him wanna cry when he hears it."
Joel: "It makes me wanna cry, too. When you sing along."
Benji: "That was low, dude."
Joel: "Anyways, it's a good song, good album. Linkin Park."

Benji: "People treated them like freaks."
Joel: "Aliens."
Benji: "And aliens. And told them they should be at home playing with their dolls, not playing music."
Joel: "People told me that, too. But did I listen? No." (on the Donnas)

Joel: "Their new album is called 'Year of the Th-pider' "
Benji: "Year of the Thhhpider."
Joel: (laughs) "Shut up, Benj."

Benji: (on Marilyn Manson) "He's been playing a transvestite named Christina."
Joel: "Not Christina Aguilera."
Benji: "No, uh..." (laughs)
Joel: (laughs) "Transvestite."

Benji: "Me and Joel - we used to have long, flowing blonde hair, and uh, we used to get a lot of comparisons to the Nelsons."
Joel: "Yes."
Benji: "That doesn't happen anymore, though."

Benji: "Joel, this one really concerns me."
Joel: "Okay."
Benji: "It's a petition to get us fired." (looking at a post)

Benji: "For those of you who don't know who Jimmy Page is, well shame on you - he was the guitar player from Led Zepplin. And, uh, I bet Joel didn't know that."
Joel: (looks up guiltily) "Yes I did."

Benji: "I'm gonna say a line from a movie, alright?"
Joel: "Okay."
Benji: "And you tell me if you know what movie it's from."
Joel: (laughs) "Okay."
Benji: " 'If you don't stop and take a look around, life moves pretty quick. You might miss it.' "
Joel: "Milo and Otis?"
Benji: "Noooo - Ferris Beuler's Day Off."

Joel: "The next, the next um...the next, uh, question we have-"
Benji: (stutters and takes post from Joel) "I'll take over here."

Benji: "Smith?"
Joel: "Yeah."
Benji: (laughing) "Smitty?"
Joel: "I call him Smitty."
Benji: "Joel likes to make up names for people."

"When the cue card doesn't move on time, you...mess up your line." - Joel

Joel: Well, when you eat someone, aren't you supposed to eat their butt? (pauses) First?"
Benji: "Riiight..."
Joel: "Remember that movie where they ate each other's butt?"
Benji: "Alright anyways...no, I don't remember that movie."
Joel: "Alive?"
Benji: "I don't get that channel."
Joel: *laughs*

Benji: "Much like suffocating."
Joel: "Yeah. Yes."
Benji: "That was a lyric from the song *pushes Joel* ha ha."
Joel: "Don't touch me."

Benji: "Number 10, the lowest point you can get on the countdown."
Joel: "We're at the lowest point ever."

Benji: "Remember that time that girl called you...um, a girl?"
Joel: "No."

Joel: "You guys are checkin' out All Things Rock and..."
Benji: "I'm checkin' out your ass!"
Joel: "There ya go."

Benji: (on Joel) "He doesn't feel like people like him, 'cause when we go out people make fun of him a lot. Anyways, um..."
Joel: "Thanks for that, by the way, on TV."

Benji: "Billy's a Staind fan."
Joel: "Got a little stain on my shirt."
Benji: "Alright Joel, not funny."
Joel: "It's the truth, I do."

Benji: "They took his shower head off and they filled it with sh*t."
Joel: "Literal sh*t."
Benji: "That's right - sh*t, folks."
Joel: "Poop."
Benji: "Poo. Ca-ca."
Joel: "The brown stuff."
Benji: "Turds. And uh, they angled it just right so when he turned it on, it would hit him in the face. And uh, needless to say, he's not their tour manager any longer. He quit..."
Joel: "He took a poo shower and quit." - On what Sum-41 did to a tour manager they didn't like!

Benji: "I've tried to fire Joel many, many times, but my Mom, she just won't let me."
Joel: "Then he realizes that he couldn't write any songs without me. He needs me. There we go - and now up, the Ataris coming in at number 8, with 'In This Diary.' Enjoy."
Benji: (mocking Joel) " 'Then he realizes he can't write any songs without me!' "

Joel: (replying to post) "Hmmm...your Mom smokes weed..."
Benji: (in stoner voice) "Relax, man, open your mind up."
Joel: "I'd say, you know, if you're concerned about her health, or..."
Benji: "Actually, turn her into the Cops."

Benji: "For now, let's get into their video, 'Stupid Girl'."
Joel: "It was written about Benj."
Benji: "From 'Cold."

Joel: "Just keep talking."
Benji: "Alright, anyways. (sighs) This relationship is over."
Joel: "It's not goin' good."
Benji: "Alright. Anyways..."
Joel: "We're about to break up here right on tv."

"He makes fun of me, you guys like it. Thanks." - Joel

Benji: "When you're an awkward, lurky, kinda dumpy, talentless, sheepish, shy kind of loser..."
Joel: "Weird."
Benji: "Kinda like my brother Joel here. And yes, we're twins so that makes me one, too."

Joel: "Kids also like Lucky Chrams, but we're not eating bowls of that, sitting here."
Benji: "Alright. They had eleven days to find a drummer and go on tour..."
Joel: (in quiet voice to himself) "What'd I just say?"

Benji: "Serj, what's with all the hard-to-say names, man?"
Joel: "Maybe they're not hard for him to say. Maybe they're just hard for you to say." (on Serj from System of a Down)

Benji: "Joel was a cheerleader in high school. Peppy."
Joel: "A male cheerleader. (pauses) Shut up."
Benji: "Give 'em the perfect cheer, Joel."

Benji: "And you can buy shoes with Linkin Park's cd. Their limited edition Meteora cd has a link to a..."
Joel: "But that's not really what you wanna say, is it?"
Benji: "What?"
Joel: "Go ahead and tell 'em, Benj."
Benji: "What do I wanna say?"
Joel: (mocking Benji) "I hung out with Mike Shinoda!"
Benji: "Alright. We're friends, okay? Mike, will you come back me up on this one?"

"I remember this time I was trying to hold on to a girl, she was falling off a building, and I dropped her and it sucked." - Benji, on the Evanescence video for "Bring Me To Life"

Benji: "We sound like news reporters."
Joel: "Yes. (puts finger to his ear) Thank you, Benj. You're...an assh*le."

Benji: (talking about Chevelle) "He says pain can make you grow, it can help you create art..."
Joel: "I know what else can help you grow."
Benji: "What can help you grow?"
Joel: "Green beans and broccolli. Carrots."
Benji: "That's right Joel, that's right."